Crushed: The Reboot

You may have noticed some new content on this website – notably a refresh on the Main Page and “About the Show”. That’s right folks: this summer, we’re hitting the road and bringing Crushed to Kingston, Ontario for my first out-of-town performance!

The process has been a little different so far. Let me catch you up.

The Road to Fringe – Fall 2018: I decide that I’ve recovered from my 2015 Fringe experience (it’s so much work!) and am ready to get back into the proverbial ring armed with new knowledge and skills. I enter a few contests with a more recent script for a chance to win a spot in various Fringes across Canada. Ottawa and Kingston don’t have such opportunities so I enter the lottery the old fashioned way – by sending in a form and a check. I learned from 2015: applying doesn’t mean you have a show in mind, it just means you want to do something.

The Road to Fringe – December 2018: I don’t win any of the writing contests (but learned a lot from those experiences) and am not chosen for the Ottawa Fringe Festival. I start to plan a year of aerial dance performances/competitions and am happy with that decision. I completely forget that I had also applied for the Kingston Fringe Festival.

The Road to Fringe – January 8th, 2019: The Kingston Fringe Festival lottery winners are announced on Twitter. It’s unclear if my name is chosen but a voicemail filled with excited cheering suggests I am. I get so pumped for this opportunity! There is celebratory dancing involved and high fives all around. My official confirmation letter arrives January 11th. Here we go!

The Road to Fringe – January/February 2019: Or not. I attempt a script re-write: maybe instead of searching for a phone number, the main character can be cleaning her place in advance of that all important “Visit My House” date. Or maybe she can be telling her story to a therapist.

Nothing feels right and I debate producing a different show entirely. Crushed keeps calling my name though and eventually I settle on a more honest approach: no “Ava” character, just me and my story. It’s a late night revelation that excites and inspires me.

Yet I still do barely any work. Winter is dark and cold, my job is seriously depressing, and I’m generally not motivated to do anything. Self-care reigns supreme, Fringe preparations go on the back burner.

The Road to Fringe – March 2019: Okay, if we’re going to do this – LET’S DO IT. I submit technical specifications and a media kit. I book an AirBnB and Via Rail tickets. I revisit this website and realize that I’m way further ahead than I was in 2015. Still, the lack of a finished (new version of the) script is stressful. Time to get writing/editing!

There you have it – the journey begins again and you’re all caught up. Stay tuned for a March Madness post when I finish my script and run it by my shiny new director!

What is an Avalina Corazon?

Well would you look at that. There’s an origin story. I totally forgot.

During my master’s program, I took a seminar class on virtual worlds and our primary assignment was to explore Second Life. When I was creating my avatar, I needed a username and came up with:

Avalina: I looked up name derivatives of “Eve”, the first woman. Since this was my origin point into virtual worlds- my “first” avatar, if you will- I thought it was appropriate. The variant I chose just sounded pretty + unique.

Corazon: I was listening to Prince. (Te Amo Corazon)

It sounded pretty + unique with the first name – it flowed well. I later learned that Corazon means heart in Spanish – so I guess Avalina Corazon is the Heart of Eve/First Woman. I like that meaning.

There you have it.

 

SHOW NUMBER 5

Remember how I said that my third show was the best thing ever? Well tonight blew that right out of the water! I only flubbed or skipped a handful of lines (maybe half a dozen). My energy was right up there. I ended the show with time to spare (because I was talking too fast – ugh! My one regret of the night). And, best of all, I GOT LAUGHS.

The audience wasn’t huge but it was receptive. I actually got people to laugh at every single place I wanted them to. I mean, all this time people have been coming up to me and saying that they’ve enjoyed the show, that it’s resonated with them or made them feel something. That’s great. I’m super glad people have liked Crushed and that it’s a meaningful, provocative show. But actually what I was going for was laughs. Nerdy, embarrassing, awkward, self-deprecating laughs at the absurdity of falling in love and the tragedy of changing yourself for someone else. I think my story is funny, I’ve learned to laugh at it, and I was hoping that others would too (among all the sadness and hurt and seriousness that is).

Tonight they FINALLY DID. Don’t believe me? Well you don’t have to because I GOT IT ALL ON FILM. Not only was today my best physical performance but it was the best audience reaction and what better show to have recorded than that? I’m so excited to share the video with my friends and family from out of town (I just hope I wasn’t speaking too too fast and that I projected well). This is exactly the sort of commemorative piece I wanted: something I can be proud of displaying.

I’m so thankful for everyone who came out tonight and lent me their energy, especially Tonya Jone Miller who reached out to me for a ticket exchange, sat in the front row, laughed loudly and often, brought a man who was so kind to me in the beer tent later (loved chatting with you dude!), and basically was my hero for the entire night. Thanks to Allan for filming this show and honestly, for pushing me to enter Fringe to begin with. Thanks to my friends who came tonight and to my new friends who came all the way to Ottawa to share their stories with us.

Fringe people are the best people and I can’t believe this adventure is almost over. 6(+) months of work goes by in the blink of a 10-day eye. Oh gosh. Thank you all so very much from the depths of my heart. And please spread the word: there’s one more show on Saturday and I’d love a packed house!

(Also, Tonya’s show Threads is one that I am kicking myself for not having seen yet. But I’ll be there Saturday right before mine. Double-header of kick-ass women doing solo storytelling shows! Be there or be square).

 

SHOW NUMBER 4

In contrast to yesterday’s stellar performance, today was my worst performance ever. It was a small audience but what’s worse is I didn’t enjoy it at all. I was rambling and a total mess and I even went over my time limit (sorry everyone!). Pretty much everything I’d worried about happening happened, all my nightmares became true.

Because today there was someone in the audience I wanted to impress. A reviewer? No, I am totally confident around them. In fact, I hardly remember they’re there (and ended up getting good reviews!). Was it my parents or brothers? No, they’re out of town and wouldn’t have judged me anyway. Was it a co-worker, or my boss, or a friendly acquaintance? Nope. My houses have been full of colleagues and classmates and I’ve loved having their support.

Nah, tonight there was a BOY in the audience. A BOY that I LIKE. And that made me nervous and being nervous made me forget my lines and forgetting my lines made me screw up everything, ugh. So, there you have it. The irony of Crushed, a show about independence and self-love, being crushed by a boy. And the true meaning of professionalism is learned: it’s when nobody but nobody can shake you up!

Suffice to say, I have a far way to go before considering myself any kind of professional actor. Tomorrow should be better though – provided being filmed doesn’t throw me off my game! Wish me luck.

SHOW NUMBER 3

Once again, I’d like to extend a huge thank you to everyone who came to see my show, particularly my colleagues from Carleton, the ladies from 3Sixty Dance and Fitness, and my wacky, beautiful friends without whom break-ups would suck even more.

Tonight we’ve had the biggest and most responsive crowd yet. I think word is starting to get out that this is a little show with big heart. I’m feeling pretty comfortable in my Tier 3 status: a newcomer, an unknown entity, not on anyone’s Must See list (yet!) but not so far down the pile that there’s no chance of an audience. And for a first shot at this, that’s pretty good.

I have to admit, I’m finally starting to feel like a legitimate Fringe artist. I’ve had two reviews, both of which made sense to me (and one of which was actually super awesome, thanks Apt 613!) I’ve formed tenuous relationships (dare I say friendships!) with other artists, who are pretty much the nicest people I’ve ever met. I’ve gone to Late Night Fringe and stayed to party after. Volunteers recognize me and Fringe staff know me. Yep, I’m feeling mightily important.

And, more importantly: I’ve gotten up, on stage, and performed this thing that I wrote, three times. I’ve been in front of an audience, with lights and costumes and props, no script, three times. And each time, it’s gotten better and better to the point that now I am actually enjoying this. I love my show and I’m eager to flyer because I’m confident that people who see my show will love it too. We’re halfway done and it’s all finally starting to click.

Something that really helped was going to other Fringe shows and realizing that hey, I’m actually doing this properly. Yes, I sometimes (always) forget to go backstage after taking my bow. I may have started my show without my tech ready once (oops!). And I still don’t ever go to the green room because I still feel illegitimate being there.

But in what counts, I’m doing fine. Other shows I’ve seen have had small audiences too but that didn’t make me (as an audience member) like the show any less and that didn’t make their hard work as artists any less valid. And other shows I’ve seen have had incredibly quiet audiences: for that matter, I’ve been the incredibly quiet audience member! That doesn’t mean everyone’s checked out and fallen asleep (although to the woman falling asleep behind me during Zach Zultana, thanks for kicking the back of my seat for a solid 10 minutes, jerk) – it just means they’re paying attention. Not every line is going to get a laugh (particularly in a show like mine) and not every scene is going to get applause (this isn’t musical theater!).

This has been a totally new experience for me. I’ve always performed on a proscenium stage, with curtains and a raised performance area. I’ve always performed with a huge cast of friends and classmates. I’ve always performed as part of a known and beloved entity, whether a well-established community theater group or a local high school in a small town. I’ve never performed something so personal to me, although the story really doesn’t feel like my own anymore, it feels like my character’s. I’ve never had to produce a show and create lighting cues and be so close to the audience I can see each of their faces. At first it was weird and uncomfortable but now… I love it.

Goddamnit, Allan, you were right. Leading up to the Fringe, I bemoaned the intense amount of work, energy, time, and money this took. I was frustrated and tired and overwhelmed and stressed and not enjoying this process at all. But my friend said to reserve judgment until the experience was done and, as usual, he was right. Because right now? Right now I want to do this whole thing over and over and over again. I’m proud to say I’m a Fringe artist and I hope I will be again soon.

Three chances left to check out Crushed at the ODDBox. Hope to see you there!

OPENING NIGHT!

I had things to write here: about how much flyering really, really, really sucks and about how I somehow managed to screw up my lighting cue sheet and about how I painfully learned about needing to clear the stage quickly after a show (oops!). Yea, suffice to say, there were a few first night kinks to work out.

But none of that really matters because I had a beautiful audience tonight. A small audience, maybe, but full of supportive, loving friends. I think I personally knew everyone there: my friends from the Carleton Tavern, buddies from my weekend yoga class, an ex-BF who was mentioned in passing early in the show, my career mentor and best friend from Carleton, and my entire work team!

I’m really and truly feeling the love right now guys. I’d like to send a huge thanks to each and every one of you for coming to see Crushed. I hope you loved it. You definitely made me feel supported and special. 🙂

The Final Countdown: PrePreview Night

As Fringe approaches, we’re getting more and more status updates like this one:

…all that actor stress I’ve been ignoring is rushing to the fore. I’m suddenly as nervous as a cat in a room full of cat-killing robots.

(Sorry, I ganked your quote Kevin) People I know are starting to ask me if I’m feeling anxious or excited. Honestly? I don’t feel either.

I feel tired. I want this to be over. And I feel stressed. I didn’t fully realize it at first but I think the insomnia and mood swings and disinterest in life and generally just not feeling like myself lately is because of stress.

I always thought I handled stress well but I think that’s because I just haven’t been stressed before. Which I know is weird to say but, despite my usual gloomy attitude, I generally anticipate that my life will go well. I guess that’s what people mean when they say they’re impressed by or appreciate my self-confidence. I know that I’m a pretty competent, smart person with a large diversity of experience and some solid communication, problem-solving, and organizational skills. I’ve tried new things and failed and tried again and gotten stronger. I’ve pushed myself further than I thought I could and it’s been great. So yes, I generally believe I can handle what life throws at me.

And if I can’t, I don’t actually care that much. Fail a test at school? I’m still alive, kicking, and with a roof over my head. Have a good interview but don’t get the job? It wasn’t meant to be, there will be other jobs. 80 million things to do at work with deadlines fast approaching? I’ll try my best but this isn’t heart surgery – if a ball gets dropped, what are they gonna do, chop off my hand? I think not. I long ago learned to have some perspective and to not let the little things get me down. As long as I have my health and safety and a certain degree of comforts, I have a lot to be thankful for.

Of course I get frustrated, angry, and sometimes overwhelmed. I get nervous (boy, do I ever!). But I don’t usually get stressed. Until now!

So what’s changed? Why am I feeling so insecure about this show? I’ve rehearsed it until I got bored, my technical rehearsal wasn’t a complete disaster, I feel good about what I wrote and how I am going to act it. Why am I feeling so “meh” about it and what am I worried about?

I’m worried about breaking even financially. Now that I don’t have a job, I can’t justify losing money on this show if I can avoid it (also not having a job is a source of stress).

I’m worried that nobody will like this show because really, nobody seems to be interested in it except my friends (thanks guys).

I’m worried that I will forget my lines and stumble and ramble and breakdown: this is my first ever time performing without a director, without any co-stars, and without even a prompter. If I make a mistake, it’s public and it’s all on me.

I’m worried that my embarrassing stories won’t ring true the way I want them to, and that I’ll be putting my love life on display for nothing. I just hope a handful of people come to see this show and genuinely like it, that it speaks to someone.

And I’m worried that this one shot I have at entering the local theater community is going to be, like, the worst. I admire so many of these people and they’re all so unbelievably nice and while I’ve mostly decided that this (performing) isn’t for me (in any serious sense), I’d still like to review theater and support the community and I don’t want this to be all awkward.

I don’t want to screw anything up. This project is important to me and I’m sharing it with the world and it’s all me and that’s mighty stressful.

The Final Countdown: 8 Days

As we approach the Fringe Festival (only ONE WEEK until it starts you guys!), I am constantly asking myself if I’m ready. And the answer is, surprisingly, yes. I am ready and willing and able and EXCITED to share this show with the world.

But I feel like I shouldn’t be ready. Because I’ve never done this and I actually have no idea how it will turn out. Every show is different and every artist is different and there is no prescriptive way of doing this. So how do you know when you’re ready!?!?

When I was taught (and subsequently taught) qualitative research techniques, students would always ask exactly how many articles they needed for a literature review. There’s no magic number for the theoretical saturation point. You just know it when you get there. Likewise, there’s no magic number of hours to put into a Fringe show – but I guess you know it when you get there?

One friend suggested an hour per page so I should rehearse for 20 hours. When my contract was up on May 27th, I sat down and scheduled in 70 hours of rehearsals. My director wanted me to commit to much more than that!

Who was right? Will I be ready after approximately 35 hours of dedicated rehearsal time? I guess we’ll find out June 19th!

The Final Countdown: 9 Days

So much is happening now, fast and furious and I LOVE IT!!!

I managed to get my show memorized (and, dare I say, perfected?) all over again in less than 8 hours. I rehearsed it in an actual factual theater so I can have more space to play (and a reason to work on projection). I rehearsed it in front of a real, live person who gave me invaluable feedback. I also performed pieces of Crushed for various piano movers, dry wall installers, venue owners, and one totally random guy off the street who all seemed reasonably impressed (or at least it didn’t send them running away screaming). My confidence is at an all time high!

And now that I love my show again, it’s become easy to sell it. Writing a three minute promotional blurb for the Preview Party was a cinch and memorizing it was tonnes of fun. I can’t wait to perform it and I hope someone gets it on film. It’s such a beautiful little piece of work, I’m pretty proud of it.

In addition to that little bit of marketing genius, I’ve talked people’s ears off, spammed my Facebook wall with updates, put up six more posters (phew, only 192 to go!), flyered seven places, and sold eight tickets. EIGHT TICKETS YOU GUYS! And Fringe hasn’t even started yet!

I’ve also found a lighting designer, had a preliminary meeting with him, and started to make up my cue sheet so now you can look forward to things like spots and shadows and scene transitions instead of the basic wash I was going for originally. IT’S SO EXCITING! I feel like a legitimate theater artist now (if only I had a costume that wasn’t just my pyjamas).

Which brings me to my final point: props to my positive peeps. I have a show I am thrilled with that I think audiences will love. All the little words of encouragement and support that everyone has shown me, from artists sharing my venue to general theater folk to non-theatrically-minded friends, has meant a great deal and has kept me going when I stopped believing in myself. Thank you for knowing and reminding me that I have a story to tell and am fully capable of doing so. ❤

And to the two people who told me, in no uncertain terms, that this show would be an embarrassment, that they weren’t interested in putting their professional reputation on the line for me, that it would definitely not get more than 1 star in any review, that there was no point to continuing because I was going to fail, that I should quit, that I was lazy and uncommitted and that I wasn’t “taking responsibility” for my actions like “a grown-up”… to you two horrible people, I quote Pierre Elliott Trudeau: “Just watch me”.

As soon as I moved on from that negativity and doubt, I flourished — just like the main character of Crushed did when she stopped pegging her self-worth on other people’s opinions of her! I knew all along I was able to pull this off and I will, with or without anyone in particular. The only thing these nay-sayers prove is that they’re too ugly to work with.

I am so proud of what I’ve achieved. Yes many people helped me, I will never deny it. But in the end, I did the majority of the heavy lifting (and a good portion of the light lifting). This has been MY show and it’s MY success even without ever selling more than 8 tickets. And it hasn’t even hit the stage yet!Help Crushed become more successful and help me prove the critics wrong by joining me June 19th to 27th at the ODD Box. Tickets are on sale now!

The Final Countdown: 10 Days

Do I live within a time vortex or something?!? ONLY A WEEK AND A HALF LEFT ALREADY?!? Where did the days slip away to?

I apologize for not updating this more frequently but… I’ve been slacking off. I took last week to rest and hopefully get rid of this bout of bronchitis before show time. It was a BIG MISTAKE you guys. I don’t have the show fully memorized anymore and unless I become a robot, there’s no way I’m going to hit 100 hours of rehearsal time before the show premieres.

I’m still not at 100% health and I hate how hard I’m pushing myself but it has to be done. I have 28 hours of rehearsal space booked (+ however many are humanly possible in my apartment living room). I’ve been putting up my posters (two up so far – can you find them?) and distributing flyers (a bunch in my apartment, a bunch in my dance studio, more will be littered around Ottawa this week). I’m assembling props and sets and costumes. I’ve had my very first media interview.

And I’m starting to really love this show. It took me long enough but I’m finally starting to find the passion and energy that Crushed needs to be a run-away, sold-out hit!

So come see my play because as I’ve explained on social media:

You know, it occurs to me that even though my #ottfringe show is about boys, it’s the ultimate girl power show. Crushed is about so much more than boys and dating – it’s about finding your voice, your heart, and your love and being courageous enough to go after it, no matter the odds

I’m gonna CRUSH it at the #ottfringe festival! AaaaaHAHAHAHAHAHA, punderful.

If Taylor Swift wrote a play, it would be this one.

“If your Fringe show had a theme song, what would it be?” A mash-up of FeFe Dobson’s “Bye Bye Boyfriend” and Destiny’s Child’s “Survivor”. Acoustically strange but thematically appropriate.